I’m worried that this guy cares more about himself and his social status over anything and anyone else
Dear Lisi:My sister has started dating a guy I can’t bear. He’s kind and loving to her, but I sense a hint of controlling in his behaviour. He’s polite and cordial to our parents when he comes over, but he’s almost dismissive of me.
I’ve seen him in social settings, in groups of people, and he works the room like no one else I’ve ever encountered. He finds the biggest honcho and makes a bee line. He clearly has an agenda, though I can’t tell what it is.
I want my sister to be happy — to find a nice guy to date who makes her laugh and treats her like a queen. But I’m worried that this guy cares more about himself and his social status over anything and anyone else.
What can I do to support my sister but also warn her?
Social Climber
Though this person sounds extremely self-important and self-centred — some of my least favourite qualities — you may just not like him and vice versa. They say the way to a man’s heart is through his stomach. Well, the way to a woman’s heart is through her family (if they’re close). Try to get your sister to see how he treats you. Go out just the three of you, or double date if you have a partner.
I’ve seen this movie, and it doesn’t end well. Your sister needs to see past her lovestruck nose.
Dear Lisi:My boyfriend is hot. He’s big and strong and gorgeous. I’m a tall woman so I love a big, strong guy. And he gives the best hugs! The only problem is that he often forgets to wear deodorant, and he sweats.
So, there’s me, about to get a big hug from my guy and he raises his arms, and I’m skunked. The smell is enveloping and then it’s on my shoulders. And now I smell ripe to anyone who comes near.
Twice we’ve had to divert our plans either to a drugstore to buy deodorant for him, or home so I could change my shirt. I have begged him to use deodorant each time he walks out his front door. So, that’s first thing in the morning, and before he meets up with friends, family, me.
Why is this so hard for him?
Smelly Cat
I’m not sure what his aversion is to deodorant; but at this stage in your life, it is not your responsibility to teach him personal hygiene. So, if it’s all too much for you, you could walk away.
Or you could be creative. Go to the drugstore with him and choose four deodorants that he approves of, AND two trial/travel sized. Together, put one in his bathroom, front and centre on the counter (NOT in the vanity). Put the other by the front door. One is for his gym bag/overnight bag; and one is for you to keep at your house (if your relationship is at that stage). The smaller ones are for your purse (that’s the real emergency one) and his car.
Lovingly, you could explain that this is a deal breaker for you, and you don’t want that to happen. And then it’s up to him. You don’t want to nag him, and you don’t want to “parent” him. Neither of those will be beneficial to your overall relationship. If he cares about what’s important to you, your feelings, then he will genuinely try to clean up his act.
If he doesn’t, count your blessings that you figured him out early. Trust me – you will find another big, strong, gorgeous guy out there who likes to smell good and please his woman.
FEEDBACKRegarding the exhausted mama (April 16):
Reader– “I raised four kids, often have grandkids sleep over and never have bedtime issues. It’s about respecting rules. Bedtime is a welcome rest at the end of the day, but also a required rule to follow.
“She’s not being respected when she tells her children they need to stay in bed. She needs to be firm — they can get a sip of water, bathroom visit, story, and then tuck them in and say goodnight. Done.
“I always read my kids a story; the rule was that they didn’t have to sleep, but they had to stay in bed.
“Making sure kids spend lots of time outside will ensure they sleep better at night.
“Some people use white noise machines, play music or storytelling apps, but it’s best not to rely too much on gadgets to sleep as it’ll be difficult for them to sleep elsewhere (Grandma’s, sleepovers, vacations, camp).”
Lisi Tesher is an advice columnist based in Toronto. Send your relationship questions to[email protected].